A meets D
by Vani WolfTurtle
Summary: A VHD, PSOH, SOTN crossover. Basically, a really crazy story involving D, Alucard, a spazzy fangirl, a werewolf, a vampire, and . . . a man who looks an AWFUL LOT like a woman . . . (acts like one, too) The rating is for language and some yaoi.
1. What the crap?

A & D, and A & D, and A & D . . .

I do not own anybody in here except Griffin, Vannie, Jack, and anyone else I add. 

Note: I have never played the game that Alucard is from, so if I get something totally wrong, I'm sorry.  (The game is Castlevania: Symphony of the Night)  Oh yeah, this Alucard is NOT the Hellsing Alucard . . .

            D is riding through the desert.  Again. 

            "What the crap, D?  We've been riding around in this desert for ever!  When were you planning on getting a bounty, anyway?  I'm bored out of your palm."

            D, naturally, doesn't answer.  D's hand gets annoyed.

            "This is so boring, and, I might add, risky.  Remember when you got heat syndrome and Caroline nearly skewered you?  Why the Hell won't you listen to me?!"

            D doesn't even bat an eye.  D's hand tries to look at him, but since D is gripping the reigns of his horse, it's a bit hard. 

            "Maybe you should just quit this whole bounty hunter business, it's such a sci-fi cliché.  Whaddaya think?  That's what I thought.  You need a girl, you know that?  I'm serious, it's been waaaaaaaaay too long.  Actually, wait, you've never had a girl, what am I talking about?  Oh yeah, and didn't you get a letter from your father the other day?  Were you going to write him back?  Are we visiting?  About that girl, I think that a blonde would be nice.  Bouncy, blue-eyed, long-legged . . . good cook, and she has reeeeeeeeaaaally big b—mmrph!"

            D clenched his fist, essentially shutting the symbiote/parasite up.  (Unenthusiastic applause from the people who find it annoying). 

            "Damn, it's getting really hot," D muttered to himself.

            He looked ahead and saw a crumbling tower that's leaning severely.  He made his way towards it. 

            "Stupid sun," D mumbled to himself.

            The horse trotted towards the welcome shade, and nearly bumped into a coffin-thing.

            "What the crap?!" exclaimed D.

            "What?" his hand wondered, having just been released when D was surprised.

            D stared at the coffin for a moment before . . .

            "A vampire!" he realized.

            "Where?" wondered D's hand, even more confused, since he couldn't see anything.

            D leapt nimbly off of his horse and approached the coffin.  He unbolted it.

            "Why is it bolted?" D wondered aloud.

            "How?" (A/N: you got it, left hand)

            The coffin lid flew open, revealing a (super-hot . . . like D) death-pale man with long, white hair and archaic clothing.  The stranger squints horribly and shades his eyes.

            "What the crap?" he hissed.

            "What the crap?" D said.

            "Why?" said Left Hand.

            "Who are you??" challenged the white-haired vampire, grimacing meanly,  "Why'd you open my coffin?  It's still freaking daytime!  I'm trying to lock myself away for all eternity here!"

            "Die, vampire!"

            "When?"

            Alucard flew out of his coffin in time to save himself from being impaled by D's sword. 

            "What is your problem??  I'm trying to do everyone a favor, here!" Alucard reached for his sword as a defence.

            "What?" asked D, pausing a moment.

            Alucard straighted his mussed hair before explaining, "I'm trying to freakin' eliminate my bloodline here, and then you go and wake me up.  What's with you?"

            Alucard transformed into a bat and attempted to fly away, but disappeared into a ball of fire when he touched the sunlight.  He began to fly madly around D's head, squeaking.

            D: sweat bead

            "SQUEAK!   SQUEAK!!!!  CHEEP!!  SQUEAK!!  CHIRP!!  EEK, EEK!!"  (translation: crap!  Total crap!!  OWW, OWW!!  HELP ME, YOU DIMWIT!!  I'M ON FREAKIN' FIRE HERE!)   

            Alucard dodged the swipes from D's mega-long sword and continued to fly about wildly.

            D's hand: ???????

            Alucard flopped on the ground, reverted to his normal form and rolled over until he put the fire out.  His once white hair had become grey . . .

            D, since he had no idea what to make of this, decided to return to his normal strategy for handling strange vampires.

            "Die, Vampire!"

            Alucard again dodged a thrust from D's sword, and hid behind his coffin.

            "I'm not even a vampire!" he protested, annoyed.

            D paused, his sword point right over Alucard's head. 

            Alucard: sweat bead

            "All right, then what are you?" D decided to give the white-and-ash haired vampire a chance.

            "I'm a half-vampire, son of Dracula," grumbled Alucard sourly.

            "Who?" piped up Left Hand, while the only thing that D could say was,

            "………… a Dunpeal?"  (a/n: or, if you prefer, Danpiru)

            Alucard: ……………………

            "Wow!" Left Hand chuckled, "Dracula must get around, 'cuz D here is also the son of Dracula."

            D and Alucard looked at each other.

            "What the crap??  I've got another brother?" D moaned.

            "What the crap?  I've got a brother?" Alucard wondered in disbelief.

            "Go figure . . ." Left Hand shrugged . . . well, sort of, since he didn't have . . . SHOULDERS . . .

            "I'm Alucard, if you're wondering," the white-haired Dunpeal . . . had calmed down and further straightened his hair by that time, and felt he should try to be civil.

            "D."

            "I'm his parasite."

            Alucard finally noticed the other voice.

            "What the crap?" he wondered, looking around for the source.

            D showed Alucard his hand.  Alucard got a sweat bead but decided not to ask.

            "Nice to meet you," Left Hand grinned evilly, "D's a bounty hunter, he kills vampires."

            Alucard: oo; …………….

            D shook his head.

            "I'm leaving," D turned to mount his horse.

            "Wait!  I wanna hunt vampires too!"

            D: --; ………………

            "At least I'd have someone new to talk to . . ." Left Hand tried to encourage D.


	2. even MORE what the crap?

A & D, and A & D, and A & D . . .

I do not own anybody in here except Griffin, Vannie, Jack, and anyone else I add. 

Note: I have never played the game that Alucard is from, so if I get something totally wrong, I'm sorry.  (The game is Castlevania: Symphony of the Night)  Oh yeah, this Alucard is NOT the Hellsing Alucard . . .

Oh yeah, and I don't own Truly Nolen . . . or the Wizard of Oz, Escaflowne, that Vampire Hunter game with Anita in it . . . whatever it was called . . . or Tomb Raider . . . I'll list more if I think of it. . . yeah . . . ok . . .

Chapter 2: oO???????

            "What the crap??  Will you leave me alone?  GET OUTTA MY HAT!!!"

            Alucard clung to the inside of D's hat, to avoid the sun. 

            "Get out of there, you stupid bat!" D shrieked, losing his temper (A/N: I mean, it's his HAT after all . . .)

            D reached into his mega-brimmed hat with his left hand to remove the pest.

            "Yeech!" exclaimed Left Hand, "Get the rat away from me!"

            "SCREECH!!  Eeek, eek chirp eek chirpie squeak!  CHEEP!" (Translation: /RAT/???  I'm a freaking bat, you no-brain, hideous, moronic parasite!  Drop dead!)  Alucard smacked Left Hand in the face with his wings.

            "What the Hell?" Left Hand tried to escape the onslaught, but couldn't, without D letting him, "D, get someone else to take care of your pest problem.  Like Truly Nolen or whatever."

            D grabbed a hold of Alucard, and lifted him out, squeaking in protest.  Moments later, when Alucard was exposed to the sunlight, he burst into flames again.

            "OWW!!  CRAP!!" D released the squeaking fireball and blew on his hand, which was already blistering.

            Alucard flew back into the hat and dug his claws in.

            "Hey!  Don't set my hat on fire!"

            "CHEEK!"  (translation: Bite me!)

            Thoroughly annoyed, D replaced his hat, and tried to ignore the small mammal settling down in his hair and falling asleep. 

            LATER . . .

            Alucard yawned and peeked out from underneath the hat.  The sun was down, so he could leave.

            "Thank goodness.  When was the last time you used shampoo, anyway?" Alucard made a face, straightened out his hair, and made a big show off brushing off D's dandruff.

            "You always drool when you sleep?" D countered.

            "I don't drool!" shrieked Alucard indignantly.

            "Whoa!  Would you check that out?" interrupted Left Hand.

            D and Alucard looked up.  Before them wais a many spyred castle reaching far up into the night sky.  The outer wall was so long that neither of them could see the end in either direction.

            "It's like a mountain!" Alucard observed.

            "Wake up, moron!  It IS a mountain!" Left Hand snapped.

            It's a vampire's lair," D informed them in his normal, totally calm tone.

            "Ah, so THAT'S what you're up to," Left Hand smiled.

            Alucard: (eyes sparkly with joy) I can go vampire hunting!

            D: -- …………….

            D rode forward to the gate.  It swung open ominously before him.

            Alucard and D's hand: oo;; . . .

            " Say, D, why don't we just turn back, huh?" Left Hand implored nervously, "This guy seems way too powerful.  I mean, come on, there are other fish in the ocean, right?  I mean, the last castle we came across that was even HALF this size belonged to Carmella, and she nearly—"

            "Quiet," said D.

            Alucard drew his sword and followed D, both half-vampires ignoring the nervous complaints coming from his hand. 

            At the end of the long causeway, a pair of twenty-foot doors stood.  The knockers were a good foot across, in the shape of vampire bat heads.  D grabbed the tongue of one of the bats and brought the knocker down hard.

            BOOOONG!!  BOOOONG!!  BOOOOOONG!!

            At once the doors swung creakily open, and Alucard did his best to hide his sweatbead under his hair.  D dismounted and coolly entered the vast entrance hall.  A strange, booming voice suddenly rang out, echoing off of the marble and stone walls and floors.  The very force of it caused Alucard to shake a bit on the floor.

            "D, the Dunpeal Hunter, is it you who have come?" cried the powerful voice.

            "It's Darth Vader!" Left Hand squeaked.

            "Stop playing games and come out here already," D sounded just as calm as usual.

            "What have you to say for yourself?  I have to search to the end of the world to find you, and discover that you've been hunting vampires for the last few millennia!!" scolded the Vader voice.

            D walked over to some tall, green curtains and pulled them aside, revealing a middle-aged vampire (vampires get middle-aged . . ?  Don't they live forever . . ?), with a microphone.  D rubs his eyes with his right hand as if in pain.

            "What have I told you about watching the Wizard of Oz just before I come over to visit?" D murmured quietly.

            "Pardon me for trying to create some levity," the middle-aged vampire snapped defensively.

            Alucard: OO;; . . . what-the-crap . . ?

            "I think you've gone senile, father."

            "WAIT A MINUTE!!!" Alucard screeched, waving his arms up and down in protest, "DRACULA HAD  **WHITE HAIR **!  Where do you think mine comes from??  (and a stupid little beard thing)"

            "Maybe . . . Dracula had a twin brother?" Left Hand offered.

            "In order to have a twin you have to have two people who LOOK the same," D noted.

            Dracula squinted at Alucard and scratched his chin before saying,

            "You look familiar."

            "I'm Alucard.  I'm the son of Dracula . . . and I don't think it's you."

            Dracula thought for a moment, then slapped his forehead.

            "Wait a minute!" he cried, "I remember there was this one time Carmilla threw a costume ball, and I went as an albino.  I don't really remember what happened, I was so full of booze after I saw Carmilla dressed like Anita.  I vaguely remember there was this really beautiful woman there, she was dressed like Laura Croft," he shrugged, "I think she was supposed to be the complementary meal or whatever.  Ah . . . anyway . . ."

            Alucard: oOX!!!

            "That had better NOT be how I came about . . !" he groaned.

            D's hand chuckled.  D shook his head.  All at once muffled screams and banging were heard.  D drew his sword and turned towards his father.

            "I'm sure you know what that is," D stated.

            Dracula shook his head slowly.

            "I don't know, I got kind of stoned last night.  Some girl came over, she said she was looking for Count D, and thought that maybe this was his address."

            D decided not to ask, and headed for the red marble stair case.  Turning to Alucard, he instructed him to search downstairs.  Alucard nodded and, seeing a pair of imposing, and skillfully sculpted pewter doors, approached them.  Pressing his ear to the doors, he could hear the shouts more clearly.  The handles, which were in the shape of hissing snakes, were cold to the touch, and the door only opened with great force.  A dark staircase confronted the white-haired vampire when the doors were finally swung open.  Gathering his courage, Alucard stepped into the darkness and began descending the staircase.  The stone steps reverberated the clump of his boots (Probably more the heels).  After nearly a minute, Alucard bumped into wooden doors which were vibrating with the fist falls of whoever was trapped inside.  Without thinking about it first, he unlatched the doors.  And, of course, the doors flew outwards, catching him firmly in the nose, before someone fell onto him, and then they both wound up on the floor.

            "Yay!  I'm free!  I'm free!  I'm free!" came a girl's voice.

            She clapped her hands joyously before realizing that the soft substance upon which she had landed was actually a person (ok, a half-vampire . . . but it's dark . . .).

            "Ah!  I'm sorry!" she apologized, sitting up, after which there followed a pause, "Wait a minute!  Are you Dracula?  I'll kill you if you are."

            Alucard rubbed the large bump on the back of his head, which he was sure was messing up his hair.

            "No!  I'm Alucard!" he corrected.

            The girl was silent for a moment.

            "Really?  / Alucard? /  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!"

            Alucard was suddenly and unceremoniously glomped. 

            Alucard:  oO???

            "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

            "What the Hell is wrong with you?? Who are you??  Get off of me, Anita!"

            "Who?" the girl wondered, as Alucard pried her off of his body.

            "She's—never mind.  Who are you, and why were you glomping me?"

            "My name is Vannie Zespaz.  I'm a fan-girl who's married to Folken and Van online (hence the origin of my first name), and I was searching for the ever-so-beautiful Count D with a box full of Godiva chocolates (which cost me all of my allowance) when I was rudely thrown in this dungeon!" she took a deep breath before continuing, "And I'm gonna **KILL** whoever did this to me!  WHERE ARE THOSE CHOCOLATES?!"

            Alucard tried to hide behind his sweat bead.

            "Maybe we should both just go back upstairs," he suggeseted.

            "Yay!  Upstairs!" she pushed past him and bounded up the stairs before tripping in the dark.

            "Ouch."

            She continued the rest of the way a little more slowly.  Alucard tried not to be too frightened.

            When he emerged from the large, pewter doors, he discovered Vannie with her fingers in Dracula's mouth and pulling his cheeks as far apart as they would go.

            "Where'd you put them?  You ugly old-man vampire who's not a great bishonen!!"

            "Get off of him!" Alucard ran forward and caught her about the waist and pulled her off.  Dracula rubbed his cheeks and glared at her.

            "Lemme go!" she waved her arms about wildly, "I gotta find my chocolates so I can pay homage to Count D!!"

            "Who the Hell is Count D, if you don't mean Count Dracula?" Alucard wondered.

            "What the Hell is going on down here?" D demanded, coming down the stairs.

            "OHMYGOSH!!" Vannie slipped out of Alucard's arms and disappeared into a streak of light.  She reappeared in time to glomp D and send him careening backwards into the railing on the marble staircase.

            "WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY?!??" he cried, "WHO ARE YOU??"

            "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!  I LOVE YOU D!!" Vannie exclaimed, squeezing him tighter.

            "Let go of me!!!" he tried without success to extricate himself from her grasp.

            "No!" she protested, squeezing him more tightly, so that he couldn't breathe.

            "Hey, look, chocolate!"

            "WHAT??!!"

            Vannie leapt over the balcony and landed on Dracula's head.

            "Where?" she looked around.

            "Look, there's a smear on the door here," ALucard pointed to a side door near the stairs.

            "Aha!" Vannie whipped open the doors and ran inside.  Alucard followed soon after, and, once D had caught his breath, also followed, but made sure that Dracula was ok first.  (Needless to say he was quite squashed).

            "WAAAAAA!! NO!!!!  BASTARD OLD, ICKY, NON-BEAUTIFUL MAN!!!"

            "What was that?" Alucard asked D, as they followed a winding wrought-iron stair case down into a dark room.

            D only shrugged as an answer. 

            At long last the pair reached the bottom of the stair case, and tripped over Vannie.

            "What the crap did you stop here for?" Alucard demanded, annoyed that his hair was once again mussed.

            In response, Vannie only sniffed and pointed behind him.  Alucard turned and nearly shrieked.

            "WHAT **IS** THAT???"

            "It's a monster!" D cried, horrified.

            "It's hideous!" agreed his hand.

            "It's stupid Dornkirk!!" Vannie whined.

            "WHO??" everyone else demanded.

            Sitting in a wheelchair about twenty feet away, near a service elevator, was the most disgusting looking, creepy, emaciated, pasty white, bare-chested old man that anyone had ever seen.  His hideousness was so immense that only after a few moments of staring wild-eyed at the spectacle did D notice chocolate smears all over Dornkirk's long white beard.

            "Ugh!  It ATE it!" Left Hand spat, as if speaking about the old man was distasteful.

            Dornkirk noticed that he had an audience, and tried to wheel himself over to the elevator.  Not that this worked very well, since he was so old, and decrepit, and emaciated and such.

            "Don't let him get away!" Vannie cried, leaping to her feet and giving chase.  She made as if to jump on him, but thought better of it when she was close enough to notice in even greater detail how ugly he was.

            Alucard crawled underneath the stairs, transformed into a wolf, and whimpered with his tail between his legs.

            "AAGH!!  I can't take it anymore!"

            With that said, D launched himself forward, drew his sword and performed an excellent mako-giri (i.e.: cut the old-man straight down the middle, like he did Grove in the Bloodlust movie)

            At once a revolting green liquid sprayed out from the wound and drenched both him and Vannie.  After a moment of complete silence . . .

            "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

            That was the first time that D discovered that he could shriek like a girl.

Please review!!


	3. Things get 10 times more confusing

A & D, and A & D, and A & D . . .

I do not own anybody in here except Griffin, Vannie, Jack, and anyone else I add. 

Note: I have never played the game that Alucard is from, so if I get something totally wrong, I'm sorry.  (The game is Castlevania: Symphony of the Night)  Oh yeah, this Alucard is NOT the Hellsing Alucard . . .

Oh yeah, to make things easier, I own nothing in here except above mentioned characters.  There.

Chapter 3: Things Get Ten-Times More Confusing.

            "Eew, eew, eew, eew, eew, EEEEEEEEEWW!!" it won't come off!!"

            Vannie was hogging the shower in the room that Alucard and D had just rented.  D was outside, since the hotel management wouldn't let him while covered with the green goop from Dornkirk.  Vannie had snuck in through the window and was trying to remove said goop.

            "It won't come OOFFF!!" she shrieked.

            "Will you shut up?!" demanded Alucard, banging on the door, "I heard you already!"

            "But it's SOOOO nasty!" she protested.

            Sighing in frustration, Alucard flopped on the bed and buried his head under the pillows.

            Meanwhile, outside, D had found a water hose and was himself trying to get rid of the filth.

            "What the Hell?" he griped, "It won't come off!"

            "What won't come off?"

            D whirled around to see a young woman dressed in a Chinese outfit.  She had one yellow and one purple eye, and long, light pink nails.  Grasped in one hand was a box of raspberry and cream-filled chocolates with some fancy French name, and in the other was one of said sweets with a bite in it.

            "What, you can't see this disgusting green slime I'm wallowing in right now?" he snapped, "The damn stuff won't come off!"

            "I see," said the Chinese woman.  A small, rabbit like creature with bat wings, horns, and duck feet landed on her shoulder and squeaked.  Now that he thought about it, this woman sure didn't have a very good figure . . . no waist, no hips, and no boobs.

            "May I ask how you found yourself drenched in that mess?"

            "No.  And you don't want to know, anyway.  Say, what are you doing out here anyway?"

            "I was going for a walk," she smiled sweetly, "and then I noticed you and was just curious.  Say, do you know what that . . . l . . .iquid (?). . . is made from?"

            "No.  Although it might be really old, putrefied blood or something," he mused.

            "Oh dear," the stranger finished off her sweet delicately, "well, I suppose that if it's organic you could try some Oxi-Clean or something, but maybe bleach would be better."

            "I don't care WHAT the stuff is, so long as I get this shit off me!"

            "HOORAY!!!"

            "GAAH!" Alucard jumped and pillows went flying in every direction.  He covered his X-vein with his hair before looking at D.

            "Hooray, what?" he grumbled.

            "The crap's off!  Look at me!" D fairly hopped up and down, "I'm clean!"

            "Zippidee doo DAH," grumbled Alucard, "In the meantime, our resident spaz fangirl has taken over the shower, and I can't get her out.  And I need to wash my hair."

            "Ooh!  What do you use?"

            "What the crap?" Alucard raised an eyebrow.

            "Oh, Alucard, 'Dee' here helped get rid of that stuff."

            D stepped out of the way to reveal what looked to Alucard like a pretty young Chinese woman wearing a Cheongsam.  He raised an eyebrow.

            "Uh . . . hi."

            "How long has she been in there?" D wondered, breaking the awkwardness.

            "Since we got here," Alucard grumbled, resting his chin in his hand, "I'm sure that all the hot water's gone—"

            "AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!  C-C-COLD!!"

            "Or, well, NOW it's gone."

            "Damn," D cursed, walking over to the door.  He slammed on it with his palm.

            "Damn it, D!  My nose!" Left Hand scolded.

            "Get out now!"

            'Dee' sat on the bed next to Alucard and shot him a sidelong glance. 

            "So . . . what kind of shampoo do you use?"

            "Huh?" Alucard asked, raising an eyebrow, "mostly Paul Mitchell, why?"

            "Ooh!  I **love** his stuff!  Oh!  My manners, would you like a chocolate?"

            "I'm a vampire.  I don't 'do' chocolate," Alucard said, waving off the offered piece.  For some reason, he was sure that there was something weird about this girl . . . and it wasn't the rabbit/bat/duck thing that was sitting on her shoulder.

            "DAMN IT, VANNIE!!  YOU'RE NOT THE ONE PAYING FOR THIS ROOM!!"

            "Go away!" she screamed through the door, "I'm not leaving until I can get this crap off!"

            "Oh dear," 'Dee' noted, "her too?"

            "Yeah, we both got drenched.  Say, do you suppose that you could help get it off of her, too?" D asked.

            "Why certainly," 'Dee' smiled sweetly, "But I'm afraid we're going to have to buy more bleach."

            "Sure . . . whatever . . . Hey!  Vannie!  There's this lady I met that can—"

            "Excuse me?"

            "—get rid of this shit!  We're going to go get some more bleach and battery acid.  We'll be right back!"

            "Excuse me!"

            "Come on, let's go."

            "JUST A MOMENT!!"

            "What?" D asks.  The Oriental stands and clears her throat.

            "I am **not** a lady."

            "O . . .K . . ." D says, clearly not getting it.  Alucard doesn't pick up on it either, since he's so worried about his hair.

            "Ok, we're back."

            There can be heard a muffled something or under from underneath the pillows.  'Dee' giggles at the sight of two boots and some white hair sticking out of the mound (Alucard requested more pillows while D and 'Dee' were gone).  D knocked on the door.

            "Vannie?  Vannie, we're back, and—damn it!  Is the water still on?!"

            "I got some out, but it's gonna clog the drain any minute!" came Vannie's voice.

            "Look," D said, back to his normal, calm tone (and since no one can see the X-vein under his hat, no one would ever know he's irritated anyway), "we've got some stuff that'll make the gunk go away, will you open the door?"

            "NO!!!  I'm not dressed!  I have no clean clothes!  Go away!  It'll just be a few more hours!"

            "Damn it, Vannie!" D griped.

            "Go in," D's hand said suggestively, "remember our talk about getting a girl?"

            D clenched his hand.  'Dee' gets a sweat bead since no one had informed him . . . (A/N: damn!  I just let it slip . . . not like anyone didn't already know who 'Dee' really was . . .) about Left Hand.

            "Uh . . . you know, women can get touchy about you invading their space . . ." 'Dee' warned.

            "Shut up," D griped, very tired of Vannie, "You have two seconds to open the door, just use one of the towels or something, ok?"

            He got no response, and busted the door, dumped the stuff in, and slammed it shut again.

            "Happy?" he said.

            "Bastard," she mumbled.

            "Good."

            He turned to 'Dee'.

            "Thanks for your help, we really would have been stuck if you hadn't turned up."

            'Dee' smiled again.

            "Doi tashimashite."

            "Ciao," Alucard gave him a wimpy "Victory" sign. 

            "Hold on!"

            At that instant the door to the shower flew open, and there stood what looked like a swamp monster in a towel.

            "What's the idea of giving me three bottles of Clorox and a busted car battery?  I could get killed with this shit!  Don't you know what happens when you combine a powerful acid with a powerful base?  Didn't you ever go to Chemistry class?  And not to mention what it'll do to my . . .GOSH!!   D!!!!"

            "What?" D asked, noticing the sudden stars dancing around swamp monster's eyes and she clasped her hands together.  She ran to 'Dee', trailing muck on the floor.

            "COUNT D!!  OHMYGOSH!!  I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOUY SINCE FOREVER!  AND I EVEN RBOUGHT YOU SOME CHOCOLATE, BUT THIS CREEPY OLD MAN ATE IT ALL, AND IT WAS GOING TO BE MY OFFERING TO YOU ON MY PILGRIMAGE TO SEE ALL OF THE WONDERFUL BISHONEN, BUT NOW IT'S GONE AND I'M SO SAD THAT I COULDN'T SAVE IT FOR YOU!" she took a deep breath,  "PLEASE FORGIVE ME, COUNT D, BUT I HAVE NO GODIVA DARK CHOCOLATE  WITH CHOCOLATE SPRINKLES OR THE MILKCHOCOLATE WITH RASBERRY TRUFFLES OR THE CARAMEL WITH THE—Ohmygosh!  I've gotta do the bishie song!"

            At once Vannie dropped to the ground, further sliming up the floor, and began waving her arms and singing,

            "Oh!!  Bishies are the greatest thing!  Seeing them makes me want to sing!"

            "What the crap?" Alucard sat straight up, sending pillows flying in all directions, "Who's dying?"

            "No one's dying," Left Hand said, as if in a trance.  Alucard caught sight of the bog monster dancing in circles around Count D shrieking like a drunk at a Karaoke bar.

            Then he noticed the shower was free.

            "Yes!"

            He leapt to the door, slipped in the muck, and fell flat on his back.

            "Count D!  I have traveled far to find you, and although I regret that I do not have my Godiva chocolates for you, I have these!"

            From behind her back she pulled a box of donuts.  Sweat beads all around, especially when Alucard realized that he was stuck to the floor.

            "My!" Count D touched his cheek with his hand, "Thank . . . you."

            "Yay!"

            "WAIT!!!!"

            Everyone (except Alucard, who was trying to stand) looked at D, who was uncharacteristically freaked out.

            "Are you telling me this is a . . . guy?"

            "Yes!  A gay one, but he's still a bishie!" Vannie smiled, but who could tell from under the goop?

            "And /his/ name is D, too?"

            "Yes!  And you are also a bishie, but I was unable to go on a pilgrimage to see you, as I was stuck in school.  So I'm afraid you missed it.  You too, Alucard.  So now I'm on my pilgrimage for the lovely Count D!  And I found him!"

            "HIM??"

            "Why are you so annoyed anyway?" Alucard muttered, "So there's a freakish man in this room who looks like a woman, so what?  No big deal . . . just as long as he leaves . . . why do you look like that, D?"

            "What?" both D's asked.

            "Gee . . . THIS is going to get confusing . . ." Alucard noted, getting exponentially more frustrated with the muck he was stuck in.

            "What's wrong, D?" Vannie wondered.

            "Well, I mean, I thought you were HOT, damn it!"

            "Ohhhhhhhhhhhh . . . . my."

Ok, it's lame, but I'm tired and I can't see straight, so there'll be more . . .and it'll be weird again . . . .zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


End file.
